I want Toni back. And I want Pip back. But not as things are. If things had gone differently, if Toni hadn't felt the need to fake her illness then I wouldn't have been so sad all the time, I would've had my big sister figure now. And me and Pip would still be friends. We might even still be together.

Coz of the few people who understand the situation, even fewer understand what a blow it was for Pip to cut me out of his life. I mean after all that had happened between me and him and Toni, I thought that me and him would need each other more then ever. That was true for me. I needed him. But he didn't need me. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to deal with it on his own. But I still loved him, well, I still do.

I think I'm nearly over Toni. But it'll take more time for my Pip wound to heal. Toni broke my trust and stomped on my feelings. But Pip broke what remained of my heart and every time I see him it brings back how bad I felt. I only see him at bookgroup anyways, which is once a month. When I see him it makes me so happy, yet so sad. Because I love him so much, but I know he doesn't feel the same way, and I know he doesn't want me or need me. I want him to hold me again, I want to sleep in his arms. I want him to fumble and mumble and be the Pip I love so much.

I suppose I'm getting my life on track. Home schooling is going good, it actually surprised me how little I missed everyone at school. More people are starting to get in contact with me now, like they've realised they liked me all along and miss me or something. I dunno. My last 3 months at school were utter hell. I'm scared about what it's going to be like at collage. I'm not really going to know anyone. I'll know Rosie, and my brother, and some other people in the year above me. But it'll be hard.

I'm also scared about what i'm going to do when Adam, my best friend, goes on holiday. He's gone for 2 months. That's over my brithday and christmas. I might be a bit lonely, but I'll just have to work harder at getting a life. Focus on getting my cooking skills up to scratch, and stressing over my GCSEs. Only 6 months to go and I've got so much to get through.

Oh well. It'll be good. Think positive ^_^

Ok. This is probably going to be a very angsty post. But I need to get some shizzle off my internet chest.

The september before last I was in ottakers (now waterstones) and saw an advertisement for a children's book group. Of course, being the book worm I was i thought it'd be really cool. and it was, there were lots of hyper children bouncing around with 2 hyper adults. One was person running the bookgroup, Jaime. And another women who worked in the shop. She looked exactly like moaning mertle. At the time I didn't know her name, so I referred to her as mertle.

About a month later we do the book, Percy Jackson and the olympians, now this is a fantastic book. It turned out to be Mertles favourite book of all time. And I was in the shop one day and she started chatting to me about it. And she mentioned a forum dedicated to the books. So being a kid with no social life and a love for the internet I joined up straight away and was happily chatting away to them all. Soon after the author of the book came to our shop to promote his new book, and Mertle was dressed up as a Greek goddess. In glasses.
So after that our friendship blossomed. Her username on the forums was Starlightdreamer, and everyone caled her star for short. I, being the pink obsessed cutesy freak, called her Starywary. But she soon started hating that, so it was just plain Star.

I had developed a friendship with another member of the book group, a boy named Phillip, who was also a member of the forums. I called him Pip because it annoyed him. Kids eh?

So me Pip and Star would go out and have random fun together. But Pip started becoming busy with his girlfriend, so me and Star started going round on our own. I started to really look up to her. I mean, she was awesome, she was a geek freak, uber hyper and really nice. And she was MY friend. I guess part of me found it cool that a 22 year old was friends with me. I was 13 at the time. Now 14.

I soon found out she had cancer. That hit me. Hard. She was always so cheerful and wonderful. How could it happen to her?

I cried. Lots. But I got on, and we were tighter then ever. For her birthday she flew over to America to see some really close friends of hers she made through the forums. One of them was a man named Topher, who was kind of like her hero. One of them was a man named Tommy. A man she fell in love with. A whom fell in love with her.

She came back, and we became even closer friends. I only went round to her house once though. We generally hung out in town. she moved house shortly after anyways.

I started looking at her like an older sister. I hated seeing her sick. I'd see her throw up blood and nearly be in tears.

She introduced me to another forum for my favourite book series. Cherub. Obviously I got addicted. And always had mini lil arguments with her. Which I enjoyed.

I never got to see her in hospital, she always said she hated people seeing her in that way.

One time I was at pips house, and we had just put monopoly away. And we ended up tickling each other and rolling around on the floor. I ended up pinning him and our faces were so close. And I leaned in, and kissed him. I'll never forget that kiss. It was just amazing. We stayed that way for what seemed like a couple of minutes but then my phone rang and I was half an hour late for my mum to pick me up. He soon dumped his girlfriend and we started going out.

About 4 months ago star texted me to tell me to bring my camera to book group and that she needed to talk to me and pip. I was scared. Really scared. I took the camera and we got some really nice pictures

[img]http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w90/SalsaCarlion/2007-04-05029.jpg[/img]

She bought that top that day. Notice it says lil miss star?

So, after bookgroup, we walked together, me pip and her, in silence. Then she said "Ok, guys. The doters say I've got a month to live". I felt dead inside. My stomach just dropped out my butt. But I have one of those nervous smile things, so that's what I did, I smiled. And we just went on talk about random stuff.

After about 10 minutes it hit me I guess. I started breathing really fast, and she gathered me up into a hug and wispered "I know, it's ok to cry" while I shook with uncontrollable sobs. She had to leave soon after to talk to someone else about it.

I hung onto pip and nearly went into hysterics. I couldn't handle it. I needed her. I wasn't exactly the most popular person. She was the friend that I'd yearned for, the kind you see on disney programmes. Loyal, funny and love you no matter what.

That was a depressing month. I spent as much time as I could with pip, but star was busy. One day, I had organised meeting up with pip and I was waiting outside his house for him. He walked up to me looking solemn he kept about 3 feet away from me. And mumbled "Look, sally, I duuno"
"what?" I ask, a bit scared
"the thing with Star" he shakes his head " i think we should, you know, just be book sharing buddies"

Ouch. Seriously, ouch. I needed him. I needed him more then ever. I started to cry. He led me inside and I cried into his sofa cushions. My mum picked me up soon after. I was quite angry at him. I mean, how dare he abandon me when I needed him most?

I got to see her one last time. We had a frescato in Costa coffe and chatted. She looked so frail. So tired. She couldn't walk very far without taking a break.

3 weeks later, I was pming with Topher (the guy in america, Stars hero. Remember?) and I was expressing how sad I was about her dying. The first line to his reply was "You talk as though you don't know she passed"

No. I reread it so many times to try and make it not true. She was gone. My big sister. My friend. My idol. Was gone.

I picked up the phone and called Topher (he had sent me his email in a letter a while back), I sobbed my heart out to him because there was no noe else. Apparently she had written an email before she died, and has asked her cousin to send it when she died. This was what it said.

but at least rachel kept her word and used my email acount to send this to you.

Love forever be watching from the stars the lost huntress Toni Davis

It was titled "if you're reading this then I'm sorry." My name is Sally by the way.

She had died on the 26th of april.

I tried my best to find out about her funeral, I really wanted to pay my respects. But no one really knew her family. The people at waterstones were frustrated as well, they had known her and wanted to go. But no one could find anything out.

The people in america held a memorial service. I waited until 2 in the morning to call them and listen to extracts from the diary she'd sent them. It was more of a celebration of her life.

But then a woman called Sarah joined our forums, the ones dedicated to the books Star was obsessed with. She left a comment saying how much star had loved us. It was her cousin. I pmed her to ask about the funeral. Apparently it was a family only thing in west ham. Which is in greater london. And star had lived in cornwall. I was so pissed off. Star didn't get on with her family, in no way was it fair they all had the chance to say goodbye and none of her friends didn't. I never said it to Sarah though. That would be disrespectful. So I pmed Topher with my frustrations. He pmed me back saying, "call me immediately"

So I did. I started complaining about it and this is how it went
"Sally. Sally, listen"
"Yeah?"
"Ok, look, do you remember that she would never let you visit her in hospital?"
"yeah?" What was he getting at?
"You wanna know why?" he didn't give me time to answer. "Star isn't dead sally" I blinked. Lots. I thought, I bet he's going to say she'll live on in our hearts or something corny like that, which is cruel.
"W-What?" was my reply.

He went onto explain that he had checked the obituaries all over Britain. She wasn't in them. You have to file a death certificate 5 days after the death. It was 6 days after the death. There was no death certificate.

Someone who's children were friends with Star read on Rick Riodens blog(the author of Stars favourite books, the third in the series was actually dedicated to her and topher). And then saw her working in mcdonalds. Apparently she had gone up to her and said "What are you doing? people are grieving for you. What do you think you're doing?" Stars reply was something like-
"go away, I just wanted to die in peace, leave me alone" then started ignoring her.

The woman pmed Topher. I guess you would've expected me to not believe it. But I did. I can't explain why. But I did. The next day was book group. Where Jaime(the person who ran book group) was going to announce her death. I couldn't let that happen if she wasn't dead.

So I decided that I was going to go into waterstones instead of school. Even though I had never been the most well behaved student, I had never skipped school. But it was necessary. I put a change of clothes in my bag and got up extra early to put lots of make up on. The last thing i needed was to be stopped for skipping.

so I went into school, went to the toilets, changed and walked out of school. I was wearing a really short skirt and dolly shoes. It was hot. My thighs got really chapped and my feet bled. But I made it to waterstones, I was hoping Jaime would be at the children's desk but he wasn't. Jennie was there instead. I told her what I knew. I could tell she didn't fully believe me. But she took me upstairs and made me explain it for Clair as well. We then called Nic, who was Stars closest friend at waterstones. I told her my suspicions and she was silent for a moment, then said
"nothing would surprise me with Toni(stars real name)"
A bit later Clair phoned up the Mcdonalds star was supposedly working at and asked if she was there, apparently the persons reply was
"No, she's not here at the moment but she's next working on saterday" When Clair told me that I guess something snapped. I'm not sure weather it was hysterics or hyperventilating, I just couldn't breath. I was crying so much. It all became so real.

She rang them back and said that there was a rumour going round that she had died, and she was worried, the Mcdonalds person replied "No, she's not dead, she's about to start her second bought of chemo" Jesus christ. It was all getting a bit scary. We managed to get her home number from them (I didn't have it because she moved, I only had her mobile, and we weren't sure she would still answer it), we called it, it didn't work. It was a fake number. That scared me. That scared me a lot.

They called Jaime in and told him about it, he managed to take my mind off it a lil. Clair then said to me
"Now, Sally," she rubbed her mouth "you don't think this Topher guy could've had anything to do with it do you?" Oh god. No. He couldn't have. No way. I shrunk back.
"No. Defiantly not." It scared me a lil though. I know he had nothing to do with it, but I mean, I guess my trust was all out of whack.

I went back to school. My mum had to pick me up to take me back to waterstones to go to bookgroup So I nearly fainted walking back. I was wearing a whooly zip up jumper on a hot day. And I hadn't drunken anything all day. Probably quite silly. I was about 5 minutes late and my friend daniel who I go to book group with was leaning into the driving seat window and saying "No, I didn't see her in english" I rushed over
"HI! Sorry I'm late!" I muttered to Daniel so My mum wouldn't hear, "I've been in school all day" he didn't question me.

I went to bookgroup. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't even tell pip.

That night I called Star. I asked her why she had done it. she said, well mumbled " I didn't want you guys to worry anymore" which was bullshit. She wouldn't have said to she people of mcdonalds she was starting her second bought of chemo if she had. Because she had that ages ago. I hung up on her.

I cried for a hour. Then went down stairs. And told my mum. I cried into her shoulder, she cried too.

It was my SATs the next week. I spent all the parts of the days without exams crying in the room for kids who don't go to lessons.

It still hurts. I remember about a week ago I was upset and my friend asked me "what's wrong?" I replied that I was thinking about Star. She look confused and said "I though you were over that"

I guess teenagers aren't very empathetic. I dunno. Maybe it's just her. But it still hurts.

Yeah, ok I admit. I went to pieces a lil after it happened. But it's understandable right? I mean, I no longer had contact with my two best friends and it turned out one had lied to me from day one. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it cept for Topher and my mum. It's not something people really understand. And i guess it didn't help that seeing as my two best friends were gone, I felt completely alone.

I'm closing the wound, I'm talking to pip on msn again (after 4 months of not talking) but I haven't herd anything from Toni. I guess closure would be good, like if she had cancer or if she was just a COMPLETE phyco.

I had a good summer all things considering. Met up with friends quite often, baked. Did exercise. I'm moving on. But it'll take time.

OK, you can not deny those are THE best shoes in the entire world now can you?

I saw them the other day when I went to see hot fuzz, and I was like "O M G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want them so much!" So, seeing as my cash card hasn't arrived yet I had to wait to get my mum to get them with me.

Today was pretty cool. English was good, it's my favourite subject by the way. Probably because I'm the teachers fave We played mosh pit at lunch. Which is basically where we throw Brad, who's about 5' nothing, at Aaron, who's about 5'6" and built like a rock, and then he throws Brad back at us and it's all good fun ^_^

I'm cutting down on how much I eat, so I only had a mini bread roll with butter for lunch. *pats self on back*

It was really annoying in maths though because my friends didn't believe me when I said I was in Mensa, and I am so it was really frustrating and I felt really dumb

PE was pretty fabby, we all had to go into partners and I was on my own and we were supposed to be passing to one another. So I would just randomly throw my ball at Jennie or steal hers. Then of course (it was inevitable) I stuck my ball up my shirt and pretended I was pregnant, the rest followed suit and we all started belly bumping and stuff. SO much fun.

Guess that's it for today, *waves*

I swear I've put on weight. I don't wanna weigh myself though. just in case I've put on, like, half a stone. *pulls at hair* I haven't eaten too much today though. *panics* Well, I was in the car all day so I can't be to blamed, I was very bored. OK, I weight around 10 stone (140lbs) and I'm 5'5" 3/4.

According to that chart that makes me "OK". Phew. But I do need to loose weight, I'm getting chubby again. NOT GOOD! I'm in a thin phase at the moment. I was practically having a binged for the past two weeks. See, I have lot of different moods, moods of depression, moods of happy ect ect. I also have them of food. I have fat phases where of course I eat loads, then I have my thin phases afterwards where I loose the poundage I recently gained. It normally balances out, so I'm not worried too much... *rereads what I've just written* OK maybe I'm a lil worried

I was in the car all day because my brother had an audition for the National Youth Theatre in Bristol and my rents didn't trust me to be on my own all day ¬_¬ Was just a TAD annoying. I managed to get 3/4s of the way through my books though It's the 4th in the dresden series but I can't remembe the name. Star's making me read it. Tis exceedingly good *nods*

Farethewell my dear pals! *waves*

My brother(Ben) is SO aggravating, I asked him to come off the computer and he says in 15 minutes, so I wait then he won't come off and starts having a fat go at me. Then he complains to mum that I was being mean to him *fumes*

Anyways.

Hot Fuzz ROCKS!!!!!!!!!! Of course we only just got in. It's stupid, who cares if we're half a year too young to see something? The person asked me if I had ID and of course I said no and she asked for my birthday so I said "1991". Yeah, I should've said "12 of the 12, 91" sounds smoother right? But she bought it, then she asked my friend, Dasiy, who isn't the brightest of sparks so she said "1992" I nearly throttled her of course she nipped off to the loos sharpish to leave me to deal with it I managed to convince her that Daisy was 15 last December ¬_¬ Silly bugger

When we were hanging about in town I saw Amy with Olivia and it really p*ssed me off because I wanted to do something with her over the holidays but she kept making up excuses ¬_¬ I'm annoyed at Amy not Olivia by the way. *le sigh* I gave up on her ages ago but I was just so bored.

We also saw Brian and Jake, Brian's aright but Jake is a complete retard. They latched on to us in the sweet shop and followed us into TKmax. I found 2 pairs of really nice shoes! One was rocket dogs with sparkly thread and the others were like clogs with wood for soles, white leather bits that go over covered with lil rainbows and clouds ^_^ Yeah I know I'm a 5 year old... But they're so purdy! I might be getting one of the pairs on monday. I put them out of the view of other people so I can find them next time Hope so, I need new shoes, I think I'll get the clogs because they're more summery *nods* OK, it's true, I'm obsess with shoes. I even have a book on the history of them

I'll leave you with the hotness that is Brian Molko!

Cranio-Sacral Osteopathy.

Yeah you're probably wondering "WTF is that?", well you're not alone. Basically, I've been having some troubles with my monthly lady problems (run for cover men!) so my mum doesn't want me to go on the pill so she wants me to try homoeopathy methods. I guess that's fair enough because the pill can be damaging. BUT, my mum's a bit . She has a diploma in Reki (healing with hands), and she always does it on me when I'm sitting next to her, so I have to make sure she's wearing her watch 'coz she can't do it then. And of course she's nearly got her diploma in hypnotherapy. Yeah, I told you didn't I?

So I went to this guy 3 moths ago and since then there's been NO difference. But, my mum made me go back again. So this is what happened:

We walked in and the place smelled, last time I couldn't put my finger on it but this time I'm more... erm... worldly; it was weed. So, we went into the reception room and got chatting to the very sweet middle aged sectary, I say "we", it was my mum who was talking, I was busy staring at the framed piece of art that looked suspiciously like the upper epidermis of a plant.

Then she announces
"Oh, here he comes now" I freeze, I can here him walking down the creaky stairs, I glance at my mum but she just smiles encouragingly, the evil . Then he walks in, dressed like a classic doctor, but then you look at his face and - oh good god, it's Edward scissor hands without the sexy allure.
"Oh, hello there. Up we go then" He starts leading us up the stairs. O. M. F. G. His voice! It's like, *shivers*, OK, imagine a mildly deep voice, now imagine that voice freakishly calm and quiet. It's weird!.

All the way upstairs he's muttering "That's the way, yes that's the way" we get into his room, gets out his notes from last time and asks me if my health is alright

"Erm, yeah. It's cool." I looked at me mum in a desperate plea for help. I don't know how to reply to those questions, Mum always talks for me in the doctors. After we've beed through all that milarcky he asks me to stand up and he runs his hands down my body still muttering "That's the way, that's the way". It's not really like touching though, because it's so light you can barely feel it.

Then I have to lie down on the table/bed thing and of course I have to "lower my eyelids" like with all these things. So he starts with my head and basically just touches me like he does for absolutly AGES, always saying something crazy, I couldn't really here him though because my brain was screaming "GET THE F*CK OFF OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I do remember him saying "it's best to be nice and floppy" I think he meant my arm... *whimpers* I never want to be in a room alone with him. I was so thankful to be leave.

I managed to get my cash card sorted, AT LAST! So I can draw out money when I need it.

I've been having fun talking to Star over forums as well *beams*, she seemed to be better today. But over the internet you can be anything you want right? I want her to get better SO much, I don't want to give up, but it's so hard. I'm terrified that if she does go I won't find out because no ones going to post it on the internet are they? *le sigh* Always think positive Salsa

So that's enough for today *waves* Bye!

OK, I'm in such a weird mood right now. It's like every things all jumbledyed up inside. Like I want to be sad and happy at the same time. Oh the confusion!!!!!

I've had a really boring day today, my mums been making me do LOADS of maths revision. OK fair enough I got A 5a (about an E) on my mock SATS, and I'm supposed to be getting 7a's (A) but I really don't need to do 3 different test sheets.... OK maybe I do, but that doesn't mean I can't complain right?

*le sigh* I'm still trying to ignore the whole "one of my best friends in the whole worlds is dying" thing. Because if I think about it I just brake down and cry, and that's not helping anyone now is it? the thing is my friend (Star. Well, Star isn't her real name but it's what I call her) has cancer, she's been battling it for 5 years, I only met her a year ago but she is THE nicest person I've ever met and argh. Even if she is 9 years older then me (I'm 14) . I haven't been able to see her because she had to move upcountry to get better treatment. Cornwall sucks for everything. I keep in touch with her through children's forums, she has the mentallity of a 5 year old.

I'm having some friend troubles at the moment. I say at the moment, I've had them since... well, forever. (cue emo speech) I've always been on the outside of groups and I'm finding it hard being all lonely. I guess it's sad but I generally just talk to people on forums about it, but they don't really count because they're not real.

I'm seeing daisy on Saterday to go see Hot fuzz though, that should be fun. She moved schools when she was in year 8 because apparently she was getting bullied. Pfft is what I say. I get it a lot worse then her. But she's sweet and nice.

Well I guess that's enough of my insanity... For now *evil grin*