I want Toni back. And I want Pip back. But not as things are. If things had gone differently, if Toni hadn't felt the need to fake her illness then I wouldn't have been so sad all the time, I would've had my big sister figure now. And me and Pip would still be friends. We might even still be together.

Coz of the few people who understand the situation, even fewer understand what a blow it was for Pip to cut me out of his life. I mean after all that had happened between me and him and Toni, I thought that me and him would need each other more then ever. That was true for me. I needed him. But he didn't need me. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to deal with it on his own. But I still loved him, well, I still do.

I think I'm nearly over Toni. But it'll take more time for my Pip wound to heal. Toni broke my trust and stomped on my feelings. But Pip broke what remained of my heart and every time I see him it brings back how bad I felt. I only see him at bookgroup anyways, which is once a month. When I see him it makes me so happy, yet so sad. Because I love him so much, but I know he doesn't feel the same way, and I know he doesn't want me or need me. I want him to hold me again, I want to sleep in his arms. I want him to fumble and mumble and be the Pip I love so much.

I suppose I'm getting my life on track. Home schooling is going good, it actually surprised me how little I missed everyone at school. More people are starting to get in contact with me now, like they've realised they liked me all along and miss me or something. I dunno. My last 3 months at school were utter hell. I'm scared about what it's going to be like at collage. I'm not really going to know anyone. I'll know Rosie, and my brother, and some other people in the year above me. But it'll be hard.

I'm also scared about what i'm going to do when Adam, my best friend, goes on holiday. He's gone for 2 months. That's over my brithday and christmas. I might be a bit lonely, but I'll just have to work harder at getting a life. Focus on getting my cooking skills up to scratch, and stressing over my GCSEs. Only 6 months to go and I've got so much to get through.

Oh well. It'll be good. Think positive ^_^